Heavily medicated, bloated, must be physically directed toward the mic; makes up forgotten lyrics when not falling asleep; known for incendiary tirades: “What city am I in?” This place is a dump. I’m gonna tear it down and build a magnificent ballroom!”…then soils himself.
Lead Guitar: JD Vance
Petulant and grumpy; waiting for his solo career while stuck in the shadows; not allowed to manage the lead singer’s medication (yet); rumored to be lip syncing to pre-recorded tracks once used during his one-woman drag show.
Keyboards: Marco Rubio
Learning to read music during performances with a keyboard that isn’t plugged in; known to give signals to stage crew when diaper change seems imminent.
Bass: Pete Hegseth
Hopes his matinee idol looks will land him an audition for the lead in The Reagan biopic; interviews all women allowed backstage; must be repeatedly told what his instrument does (usually not plugged in, he thinks it’s an automatic weapon); needs reminders not to tweet the set lists to the press before the show starts.
Drums: Stephen Miller
Heavy Metal drummer, 34-piece drum kit, triple bass drums; refuses to let the band perform a love song; plays while wearing a long-sleeved shirt to hide various Third Reich tattoos; consistently overheard at rehearsals saying, “The beat is what I say it is, no exceptions!”; indifferent to the other players; uses no monitors on stage.
Harmony Singer: Pam Bondi
Recent replacement for Marjorie Taylor Greene (removed from the tour after suffering delusions from overdosing on ‘blue pills’ before a show); known for her slick yet biting delivery; carries out her tight harmonies with the lead singer’s howling like an executive order.
Manager: Steve Bannon
First seen promoting bikini mud wrestling shows; keen business sense; gets the band gigs by convincing venue owners his team can check the citizenship status of all concession workers at no extra charge.
Booking Agent: Tulsi Gabbard
Specializes in booking gigs at high-security venues in Moscow and Damascus; tells the promoter they’ll open with the song ‘Peace Train’ when their opening number is really “War Pigs.”
Tour PR Lead: Karoline Leavitt
Former Mary Kay ‘Platinum’ Rep; rumors that she purchased her entire wardrobe from a Tammy Faye Bakker estate sale have never been substantiated.
Tour Doctor: Robert Kennedy, Jr.
Doses the entire band and crew with psychotropic mushrooms and ‘male virility rituals’ before every performance; has banned Tylenol and bottled water backstage.
Backstage Hostess: Lauren Boebert
Manages the VIP Lounge; though well known for adding her ‘personal touch’ to events, she currently has no access to Lead Singer’s dressing room (asked too many questions while reviewing old guest lists).
Tour Pet Care: Kristi Noem
Known for her love of well behaved animals; can walk (and return with) all 3 band dogs without incident; recently assisted one senior band pet in their ‘retirement’ to a local farm.
Tour Bus Driver: Kash Patel
Promoted to Lead Driver for a bus with no brakes 3 weeks after receiving his learner’s permit; allowed to use the bus for ‘date nights’ as long as he brings home special fans for the lead singer; claims taking the bus to a private island for personal concerts never happened.
Ken Owen January 2026
Van Niddy Press
Tour Bus Driver: Kash Patel
Promoted to Lead Driver for a bus with no brakes 3 weeks after receiving his learner’s permit; allowed to use the bus for ‘date nights’ as long as he brings home special fans for the lead singer; claims taking the bus to a private island for personal concerts never happened.
Clown Car
‘Sphere of Influence’ Tour 2026
Coming to a City Near You!
(whether you like it or not)
Van Niddy Press
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