Soap and Water

The Good Old Days

To spend any time these days amongst the general population is to be unwillingly exposed to their strange chemical scents. It seems that advertisers have convinced people that subjecting others to your body’s natural odor is of the highest personal offense, and are selling hair products that produce slick, shine, and scent, and body sprays designed to kill odors emanating from every dark crevice of the body. 

One day, after sharing a short ride in an elevator with one such chemically swathed individual, I had the following thoughts:

• To ride with them in an elevator is to disinfect you and the car for the next six hours; no pathogen in its right mind would dare board a human wearing Eau de Dow Chemical.

• I fear for the safety of the chemically bathed anywhere near an open flame.

• I tried hard not to let my mind wonder where those lofty chemicals escaped from just moments ago.

It seems that soap, hot water, and a small splash of strategically placed English Leather or Jean Naté have officially become the good old days of personal hygiene.

Ken Owen February 2026

Van Niddy Press

Welcome to the Neighborhood

A mobster from New York
bought a house on our block
then quickly tore half of it down
and started remodeling without permits.

Though we have registered many complaints,
the city council has been suspiciously quiet.

He then began threatening all our neighbors
saying he would buy their house
or just take it if they don't accept his offer

and even though he is trillions of dollars in debt
he’s been seen mumbling things like

    “…the easy way or the hard way”

to make sure he gets what he wants.

The neighbors
a few blocks over
are getting very concerned.


Ken Owen     January 2026
Van Niddy Press

Silence in the Hallowed Halls

 

Let them sit there

quietly steeping in their own cowardice

so that history may know them

as traitors to the dream

Let them carry forever

the stain of their inaction

complicit in their silence

enabling fears never thought possible

Let them watch

while the people who have seen

the consequence of neglect 

rise up emboldened with the duty 

of securing their freedoms

-inspired by the 119th Congress, 2nd Session, 2026

Ken Owen    January 2026

Van Niddy Press

Clown Car: 'Sphere of Influence' World Tour 2026

Lead Singer: Donald Trump
Heavily medicated, bloated, must be physically directed toward the mic; makes up forgotten lyrics when not falling asleep; known for incendiary tirades: “What city am I in?” This place is a dump. I’m gonna tear it down and build a magnificent ballroom!”…then soils himself.

Lead Guitar: JD Vance
Petulant and grumpy; waiting for his solo career while stuck in the shadows; not allowed to manage the lead singer’s medication (yet); rumored to be lip syncing to pre-recorded tracks once used during his one-woman drag show.

Keyboards: Marco Rubio
Learning to read music during performances with a keyboard that isn’t plugged in; known to give signals to stage crew when diaper change seems imminent.

Bass: Pete Hegseth
Hopes his matinee idol looks will land him an audition for the lead in The Reagan biopic; interviews all women allowed backstage; must be repeatedly told what his instrument does (usually not plugged in, he thinks it’s an automatic weapon); needs reminders not to tweet the set lists to the press before the show starts.

Drums: Stephen Miller
Heavy Metal drummer, 34-piece drum kit, triple bass drums; refuses to let the band perform a love song; plays while wearing a long-sleeved shirt to hide various Third Reich tattoos; consistently overheard at rehearsals saying, “The beat is what I say it is, no exceptions!”; indifferent to the other players; uses no monitors on stage.

Harmony Singer: Pam Bondi
Recent replacement for Marjorie Taylor Greene (removed from the tour after suffering delusions from overdosing on ‘blue pills’ before a show); known for her slick yet biting delivery; carries out her tight harmonies with the lead singer’s howling like an executive order.

Manager: Steve Bannon
First seen promoting bikini mud wrestling shows; keen business sense; gets the band gigs by convincing venue owners his team can check the citizenship status of all concession workers at no extra charge.

Booking Agent: Tulsi Gabbard
Specializes in booking gigs at high-security venues in Moscow and Damascus; tells the promoter they’ll open with the song ‘Peace Train’ when their opening number is really “War Pigs.”

Tour PR Lead: Karoline Leavitt
Former Mary Kay ‘Platinum’ Rep; rumors that she purchased her entire wardrobe from a Tammy Faye Bakker estate sale have never been substantiated.

Tour Doctor: Robert Kennedy, Jr.
Doses the entire band and crew with psychotropic mushrooms and ‘male virility rituals’ before every performance; has banned Tylenol and bottled water backstage.

Backstage Hostess: Lauren Boebert
Manages the VIP Lounge; though well known for adding her ‘personal touch’ to events, she currently has no access to Lead Singer’s dressing room (asked too many questions while reviewing old guest lists).

Tour Pet Care: Kristi Noem 

Known for her love of well behaved animals; can walk (and return with) all 3 band dogs without incident; recently assisted one senior band pet in their ‘retirement’ to a local farm.

Tour Bus Driver: Kash Patel
Promoted to Lead Driver for a bus with no brakes 3 weeks after receiving his learner’s permit; allowed to use the bus for ‘date nights’ as long as he brings home special fans for the lead singer; claims taking the bus to a private island for personal concerts never happened.

Clown Car

‘Sphere of Influence’ Tour 2026

Coming to a City Near You!

(whether you like it or not)

Ken Owen     January 2026
Van Niddy Press

Evening Journal: January 2026

 

Defining our chaos with the day’s headlines:
“Congressman Goes Home, Complains ‘Nothing’s Going On’”
“U.S. Strikes Venezuela, Kidnaps Leader”
Exporting our governmental dysfunction to those less fortunate

01/03/2026

Clown Car

Our worst nightmare has become reality:  
unqualified, deranged clowns 
driving our nation towards a cliff 
while tweeting on their phones

01/08/2026

Clown Car Road Trip

The first stop on this year’s 

‘Sphere of Influence’ Tour:

Imperialist Hegemony in Venezuela

Pay-Per-View ticket sales in Greenland are brisk

01/10/2026

We age in haste and distraction  

until the day we realize

‘Make Every Day Count’

should have always been our credo

 

01/12/2026

WARNING:

Protesting despotic theocracies abroad

shall be viewed as acts of heroic patriotism

while doing the same thing here

shall be viewed as acts of domestic terrorism

01/14/2026

She smiled at her would-be assailant and said 

“That’s fine, dude. I’m not mad at you.”

making her final earthly act

a refusal to validate unchecked authority

-in remembrance of Renee Good  

January 7, 2026

We Miss You, Cary Grant

I fear we might be embarking on a battle

to save our civil liberties on behalf of a generation

whose only concern is their cultural liberty

of shopping in pajamas and shower shoes

01/19/2026

Speeches from Two World Leaders

One, a mumbling embarrassment

inflicting shame and fear on good patriots

left wondering how this came to be,

the other, a historic call to arms

instilling pride and defiance

to repair the rupture with strong alliances.

-Donald Trump (USA), Mark Carney (Canada)

World Economic Forum, Davos, Switzerland

01/20/2026

In silent chambers
henchmen loyal to The King
slithering about

01/20/2026

The number of martinis it takes
to process the nightly news
is steadily increasing
leaving us both shaken and stirred

01/23/2026

He lived his life

in the service of others in need

never once considering

it might cost him his own

—in remembrance of Alex Pretti

ICU Nurse, Minneapolis VA Medical Center

January 24, 2026

We now live in a society where 
the ‘chain of custody’ of our ballots 
can be overturned by Italian satellites 
and Presidential psychosis 

Fulton County, Georgia
01/29/2026

Walter the Tree

 

We are now the proud owners of a Christmas tree named Walter.

We named him after the nice gent who helped us by cutting a couple of inches from Walter’s base so he’d have good posture. That sounds more drastic than it is; Walter the Tree never complained. Walter the Tree, standing 4 feet tall prior to the operation and now 3’ 10”, cost us $70. We brought him home and decorated him in the traditional way with lights and various colored ornaments.

This morning, while drinking my first cup of coffee, I asked Walter the Tree: “At $70, should I consider you an economic indicator?”

Standing upright with perfect posture on the dining table, looking utterly transformed in the role some would say he was born to play, Walter the Tree offered no answer.

I then began to study the ornaments the House Stage Designer had chosen for Walter’s costume. Walter the Tree had gone from a simple yet splendid, all-natural and eco-friendly forest green coat, and was now adorned with ornaments and lights representing many different themes: nature (birds), sports (team logos), high fashion (small glittery high heel shoes), the universe (stars), fantasy (mermaids), and the heavens (angels) to name a few. Given the numerous possibilities of wardrobes, I wondered if this is what Walter the Tree spent his life dreaming he would look like when he finally reached the big stage. Was he now feeling underdressed, overdressed, or was his true nature being misrepresented? It was early morning, and it looked to me as if he was still attempting to get into character, so I didn't bother to ask him.

Walter the Tree played the first night of his two week run here, which was technically a dress rehearsal, by practicing the acceptance of his fate with a stoic and regal repose which I found quite admirable. Walter the Tree, it seems, is a consummate professional. At $70 for all 3’ 10” of him, I’d expect nothing less.

Ken Owen December 2025

Van Niddy Press

Notes on ‘The American Revolution’ by Ken Burns

 

I have encountered a growing number of people viewing the latest Ken Burns documentary, The American Revolution, who share a common realization: at many points, we find ourselves saying, “I didn't know that!”

Though personally disappointed by the extent of my historical ignorance, I quickly reflected on my own days in public schools. I realized exposing young junior high or high school students to anything but the most cursory detail on historical events would amount to an exercise in futility with a captive but uninterested audience. We fought England for our independence; Paul Revere; the Tea Party; we won. End of lesson.

Yet, as we begin to understand the gravity of the current administration’s efforts to suppress facts about our nation’s history that do not meet their political agenda, I hope we are collectively ready to learn the important lessons we were not told—at a time when we would not have listened or cared.

Mr. Burns’ wonderful work not only gives us the opportunity to realize and value the great efforts it took to codify our rights and freedoms, but comes at a time when these foundational achievements are being systematically ignored and eroded, alongside the Rule of Law and our constitutional checks on authority.

Learning our history will make us better citizens, which is the only path left to helping us “to form a more perfect union.”

– Civis 

December 2025