Lead Singer: Donald Trump Heavily medicated, bloated, must be physically directed toward the mic; makes up forgotten lyrics when not falling asleep; known for incendiary tirades: “What city am I in?” This place is a dump. I’m gonna tear it down and build a magnificent ballroom!”…then soils himself.
Lead Guitar: JD Vance Petulant and grumpy; waiting for his solo career while stuck in the shadows; not allowed to manage the lead singer’s medication (yet); rumored to be lip syncing to pre-recorded tracks once used during his one-woman drag show.
Keyboards: Marco Rubio Learning to read music during performances with a keyboard that isn’t plugged in; known to give signals to stage crew when diaper change seems imminent.
Bass: Pete Hegseth Hopes his matinee idol looks will land him an audition for the lead in The Reagan biopic; interviews all women allowed backstage; must be repeatedly told what his instrument does (usually not plugged in, he thinks it’s an automatic weapon); constantly admonished for tweeting the set lists to the press before the show starts.
Drums: Stephen Miller Power drums, 34 piece drum kit, triple bass drums; refuses to let the band perform a love song; plays while wearing a sports coat to hide various 3rd Reich tattoos; consistent overheard at rehearsals saying, “The beat is what I say it is, no exceptions!”; indifferent to the other players; uses no monitors on stage.
Manager: Steve Bannon First seen promoting bikini mud wrestling shows; keen business sense; gets the band gigs by convincing venue owners his team can check the citizenship status of all concession workers at no extra charge.
Tour Pet Care: Kristi Noem Known for her love of well behaved animals; can walk (and return with) all 3 band dogs without incident; recently assisted one senior band pet in their ‘retirement’ to a local farm.
Tour Doctor: Robert Kennedy, Jr. Doses the entire band and crew with psychotropic mushrooms and ‘male virility rituals’ before every performance; has banned aspirin and bottled water backstage.
Tour PR Lead: Karoline Leavitt Former Mary Kay ‘Platinum’ Rep; rumors that she purchased her entire wardrobe from a Tammy Fay Bakker estate sale have never been substantiated.
Booking Agent: Tulsi Gabbard Specializes in booking gigs at high security venues in Moscow and Damascus; tells the promoter they’ll open with the song ‘Peace Train’ when their opening number is really “War Pigs.”
Coming soon to a city near you (whether you like it or not.)
Ken Owen January 2026
Van Niddy Press
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