Chimps In Bars

I have been given a front-row seat to observe a unique social phenomenon: men act like chimps when in close proximity to a beautiful woman.

Seems the results are very predictable and based on genetics.

Scientists have found that chimps who throw their shit and hit their target showed more activity in the part of the brain where speech would eventually develop, and have concluded that shit tossing was one of the earliest forms of expression and communication and, therefore, a pre-cursor to the development of language.

So think of it this way: shit talking has, over the millennia, developed from shit tossing.

I have participated in great yawping sessions of shit tossing amongst groups of men, but it is the shit tossing from men at women I find most fascinating. I am not new to this phenomenon. I have watched in amazement as many of my fellow man-chimps tossed great amounts of shit at women in bars to get their attention and impress them. Some of my closest man-chimp friends developed into great shit tossers and got wonderful results from their shit tossing. I was never a good shit tosser, just never had the knack for it, so I became a passive observer and learned early on the first rule of being an observer of shit tossing:  keep your distance.

Everyone is fair game when shit is being tossed. When man-chimps are trying hard to toss wonderfully witty and clever bits of shit at women, even your favorite man-chimps will say stupid, ridiculous, even hurtful things about any of the other chimps around them. It just comes out, and I doubt they even realize what they are doing or saying when they are in their shit tossing frenzy. It’s part of their man-chimp DNA. They can't help it. Like I said, it’s genetics.

I have a renewed respect for women. Having to deal with all that flying shit must be exhausting, though some women seem to genuinely enjoy being the subject of great shit tossing efforts while others seem really bothered by it, but that may depend on which chimp is tossing the shit. I guess that is a different scientific study all together. 

We have come a long way in our evolution as a species, but in regard to shit tossing, well, maybe not so much. 

Ken Owen,   Van Niddy Press,   March 2013